I’ve just been reading some fabulous stuff on the Think Simple Now blog, which I’ll admit to having gotten through by putting self-help-related searches into Google.
I just feel totally busted at the moment. I’ve fallen into exactly the job I didn’t want – accountancy, and not even interesting accountancy, but very dull, very unchallenging accountancy. I can think of any number of careers and lifestyles I’d rather be living – as a singer, for starters, as a pianist, as a freelance translator, or at least being useful in a busy job using my language skills again. But no, I’m here, earning a living in the most riduculous way, and I can’t get out of it because we need the money. I am SO disatisfied with this situation it’s not even funny. I’m trying to find ways out of it but then some days, like today, I just feel comatose and spend most of the day at work, but not doing anything.
I’m exhausted, that doesn’t help.
I’m not ungrateful; I’m glad to have a job, I’m glad we have enough money for the moment to support ourselves, but… I HAVE to do something about this, and fast.
Next week I am going to put my plan into action (as in actually DO IT, all the things on The Plan! And not just sit here staring into space and reading about other people’s fantastic lives).
There are two things I could do to redress the balance – things that are actually vaguely within my control (as opposed to things like getting-offered-a-new-job which is less so):
- Stop studying the blessed accountancy! Just stop. Leave space for something else to come in! (I am scared to do this in case it looks bad on my record and besides, it’s easy. Plus it’s better to be doing that than doing nothing. But I hate it. Being scared is not a good enough reason. I can at least limit the amount of time and energy I spend on it…)
- Work one less day a week. I was MUCH happier and living more of my potential when I did that before. (We can’t really afford it, not if we want to do the things we have planned this year. And am I really going to USE it to the best of my ability anyway? Etc. etc.)
Things are going to have to change. Something’s going to have to move. I can’t go on living my life in this mediocre, passionless way. I WILL dig down and draw out the essence of me that makes life worth living, before I get to dumbed down and depressed again and forget how far I’ve come.