This is just a short aside about depression. I wonder sometimes if depression, like addiction, is one of those things you can never quite recover from, only manage and learn to live with. Whatever chemical imbalance or traumatic precedent leads to depression, for some reason or other I has it, still. The only way I can describe it is that when I’m not distracted or busy or actively having fun, I feel like bursting into tears all the time – not for any specific reason, it’s just there. I guess it always has been there, although at some points in the past I’ve felt very free of it, almost like it wasn’t there for weeks at a time.
Some years I go out to find as much happiness and distraction as possible, seeking out the good things in life and indulging myself. Some years I just get by, by whatever means necessary. Some years I amuse myself with the notion that I can change all the things that I feel a wrong with my life and then I’ll really be happy because I won’t have anything left to be sad about – and 2013 is slated up to be one of those years.
It doesn’t help, of course, to dwell on it – but I’m not feeling as good as I thought I would be, at the end of this year where so much has improved and at the beginning of a new one where so much can happen. I still feel it weighing me down, and I need to work on digging myself out from under it onto a more positive level, while being kind with myself at the same time.
I’m saying this now as I’m about to start introducing my goal-setting process for next year, because my BIGGEST goal and the one which will draw together all the others, is to not get depressed for the whole year. I mean not getting down, neither temporarily or in the longer term. I mean keeping up the momentum the whole year so life never feels pointless or out of my control. Last year my theme-word was “foresight”, knowing what I needed to do to stay ahead of the game. Next year I will build on this by DOING what needs to be done, as well as knowing which things are the right things to do. More than anything this will apply to building positive thinking – working on gratitude, visualisation, and emotional management, as well as honouring my commitments to the goals that can change my life for the better – to keep myself on an even keel and distance myself from these lingering blues. Most of the things I want to do will work towards better emotional and mental health – I need to exercise, and that will help; I want to play more music, which is one of the healthiest ways of dealing with emotions; I have loads of studying to do, and that’s great for using up the excess brain energy that can turn into over-worrying about miniscule things. So if I keep this goal in mind, I’ll be tying all of my other goals in together.
My guideline is going to be: what is the healthiest choice?