Each day I do this, something in my mind resists.
Something in my head fails to believe that I am actually capable of being in charge of what I eat.
Each day, I wonder when I am going back to “normal”, when I’m going to fail and what it’ll take to make me.
Each day, my brain makes its own little attempts to fill the void left by the binge-blame cycle.
I have been guilt-free for 4 weeks and my emotional circuitry is about ready to explode.
I wish these thoughts would go, but I understand that my brain needs time to adjust.
I have nominated the inner voice I choose to take heed of – the one that knows I *can* control my actions, and that those actions have consequences, results – only the actions can determine the course of my life from here forward.
I know I need to have patience with the conflicting impulses and desires in my mind, and take care of myself until my normal shifts to a new kind of normal. Hold steady, maintain the discipline, stick like glue to the things that work even when I’m tired and it’s painful and I find it hard to process.
The only merit in going back to binging is the familiarity of the thought and emotional patterns that will ensue.
That’s comfort, but it’s not happiness. And it’s not a good enough reason.
I will never make this shift into being a different kind of person if I don’t win this battle in my mind, over my emotions. If I don’t take what was opaque and instinctive and bring it into the light, see how fickle and stupid and pointless it is.
This is not a belief about whether I can lose weight and change my body. This is about whether I can rewire my mind. Learn to live independently of the demons I’d come to rest on. Learn to wake up every morning and make real, unfettered CHOICES, about what to do with my day and my life.
A choice to respect myself (and my body) by giving it the best shot at health and survival.
I have not been able to do this before BECAUSE it is so hard in my mind. I can see all the times I’ve slipped up in the past, or let life take over, or betrayed this promise to myself by letting other people, situations, emotions, make decisions about what I would put in my body. I listened to everyone else except this steely, uncompromising voice hidden in the depths of my mind, the one that holds me accountable now, the one that binds me to the straight and narrow of the only path that can take me where I want to be.
One day I will wake up and *KNOW* beyond all doubt that I can sustain this for the duration, and that I never have to go back to how I was. That all these dreams about how much better I will feel about myself with each milestone that passes, the pride in myself and the confidence that I crave so badly – that all of that is definitely coming my way and all I have to do is step into it, by my actions.
Some days even now I do have odd moments when I think that. When I can see that the individual actions are not that hard and I could keep this up indefinitely. But it’s not all the time and it’s not strong, and it’s not automatic. I want to get to that point where I *KNOW*.
Until then I’m on a very extreme coping regimen, while I deal with the random thoughts and emotions that flare up throughout the day. Sometimes I feel like I wake up in the morning and all day I am running the gauntlet avoiding the barrage of attacks from my old thought patterns, until finally I plonk myself into bed in the evening, relieved to not have let any of those thoughts push me into over-eating. Maybe it’s the case that what I’ve managed to do successfully for the last four weeks is to separate the thoughts from the actions by one degree – I’ve broken the automatic connection of eating under duress at the hands of specific circumstances or emotions, but the thoughts themselves – removing them will take longer. I guess until I do that, there will always be the uncertainty over whether I’ll relapse into binging, so alongside that I could do with adding another degree of separation between thought and action. Those are both things I can work on. And maybe simply having specific things to work on is enough distraction to keep me going?
On the other hand, I am only going to have to do this once, this is the time and I should be proud of every day I spend accomplishing this goal.