Continuing on with this idea of becoming a completely new person, I’m now starting to think practically about hoe to imbibed my new persona with the self-esteem necessary to flourish and emerge. Some of these processes have been concurrent with the discovery that there was even a new person there. This week has been much better than last though and it seems like time to take stock of progress made so far.
Segregation of duties
The first point is something I realised last weekend – that the biggest factor in my life and wellbeing is to manage successfully the division between my day job and my musical “vocation”. I’m not happy doing a slipshod job at the office and I’m definitely miserable spending my work time wishing my whole life was music. I need to recognise that both exist and divide my focus so that I’m putting in my best in both areas, without letting music get eclipsed. I need self-esteem and good connections with both areas at the moment. I started making a simple dual-column list each day of work issues (not just work tasks but ideas and problems and relationships and development and other issues) and home issues, and I’m trying to train myself to work on each side of the list in the appropriate time brackets. Whether that was a factor or not, this week has been much more successful, I’ve got the go-ahead to resit my exam (my boss even offered to reschedule some work to accommodate it!) and we were also granted permission for a major policy change which will lead to a project for me to manage, and a chance for me to leave a lasting and positive mark at this company, which is what I’ve been waiting for without realising it. I also identified some key relationships this week so I will look into nurturing those.
It’s been up and down but the week has ended well. I’ve had more “extras” than planned but they’ve been limited occasions nipped early in the bud and the net result has been lighter work day eating than usual. I know I am on the verge of the next stage in how I feel about myself; my clothes are looser and I should be able to get into my smaller trousers next week, and my face is starting to look more like “me” again. I’ve not once given up on this process and I know I’m heading in the right direction.
I’ve been getting in some good practice on the key songs, my confidence is up during the day and down when I wake up in the night. I’ve got to work on my consistency of conviction. I hit a stumbling block with slow responses from the studio so researched others and found two or three nearby with better gear and only slightly higher prices, so maybe those are better options anyway. That means the dates are up in the air but I do feel ready to go with some songs so just got to seek out the opportunity.