As much as I’ve realised that when you live life openly, no two days are ever the same, it does feel like things are starting to normalise at this new level.
What’s different now:
* two new (well one new and one recently discovered) people in my life who really get me and care that I care about them
* closer relationships at work – a department that feels more like a family, more people whose lives I know more about and who know mine, and a special friendship with S
* realising both that I can and need to talk to my husband about virtually everything
* starting to convert some of the love and affection I’m receiving into a solid basis for self-esteem – realising that people don’t always have their own reasons for liking you, they just do like you. Far from feeling like I have nothing specific to offer, maybe it’s not necessary to offer anything – it’s enough to just be myself. Be caring, certainly, but realise that friendships are not built on quid-pro-quo.
* finding the people are mostly responsive when you’re open with them
* finding that my mission is simply to release more of what’s trapped inside me
* I can find my bliss somewhere each day. I think this was what I would have referred to as “meditation” before I knew what it was. I can find a way to plug into the happiness around me at any random moment that might seem perfect to me, or by plugging in my favourite tunes, watching the sky, or appreciating the love in my life. I may not be living in it continuously but I can find it on a daily basis, and that’s lovely in itself.
* as long as I feel connected and everything is flowing freely, I can get by on less sleep than I need. I can bank on this and that lets me get more done.
I’ve had a bit of a wobble for a few days after three weeks of feeling totally awesome about myself and everyone else. I was trying to think through that this morning and what I came up with was this: I felt brilliant when my eating disorder and depression were things I accepted and knew I needed to and could manage. Then I got into trying to unpack the depression (cos I will have to sometime, right?) and having those issues on my mind constantly has dragged me down. So what I’ve decided to do is what worked so well for the ED and for getting more open emotionally – set aside an hour or two a week where it’s safe to think through depression issues, get as far as I can, and then the rest of the time go back to normal and stay at this empowered level without letting all of the depression stuff run around all.over my life the rest of the time. I felt much better once I’d come up with that idea so I’ll try this and see if I can get back to being awesome the rest of the time!