It’s coming up on 4 weeks already since the studio session and I’m only just now getting to the point where I feel like I’m starting to work on the things we identified then, which were:
* technical ability – I need to KNOW that I can be technically perfect so I can be confident of getting the sound I want over and over and focus on letting the emotion flow. I have things I still can’t do with my voice, problems with my breathing, and get distracted by trying to play at the sane time.
* working on being more emotionally open and being able to channel that into a song without getting overwhelmed by it and losing the plot completely
* having the confidence to let my emotions show and let out some of what’s inside
Of these I think I’ve been working on the middle point the most with safe sessions, letting my emotions flow and overflow and then pulling it back to be able to sing. That’s felt like the most natural starting point. It’s frustrating having so much I need to work on and being so far from being able to express myself in the way I feel I need to.
Last week I met up with S, an old work mate who has been one of the biggest supporters of my music. I played her the draft tracks from the session and see said two very insightful things. The first was that she felt when listening to them like she was out in nature – different scenes for both songs but lots of trees and light and wind and bodies of water. That resonates with me for several reasons:
* those are the places I take most of my inspiration from so I’m happy and not at all surprised that that kind of energy comes through the music
* there’s a lot of nature imagery in the songs for the album in general
* the cover art I’m planning to use is out in nature – from the shoot we did outside with me playing under big trees etc.
* the first time I really felt the full potential of one of the songs I was out on my own by a lake on a windy day – one of the songs from.the session came on and I was like YES. this is where and how I would listen to this, this is where it makes sense.
So it’s fascinating that she picked up on all of that first off.
The second thing we discussed was this issue of confidence and being able to connect and convey emotion. S said she could hear I was holding back a bit, and if I could let it go properly how awesome it would sound. And we talked about how amazing it would be to be able to be completely emotionally open in front of other people – both through music but just in general life as well, to be fearlessly genuine in all your interactions with people no matter what the topic – I don’t think many people are, but for some reason I do long to be. So this is a kind of quest, related to the music but bigger than that too.
On a more superficial level, I’ve always been self-conscious about conveying emotion when singing because I don’t really like how I.look when I sing, but I caught a glimpse of myself singing in the window (these dark evenings!) and thought that actually, I’m not that far off being able to stand how I look. I suspect that’s because since the session I have already opened up quite a bit and am emoting better. So I’ve been practicing a bit in front of the mirror since then, getting used to how I look, what I like and don’t like, and getting an idea of what it’s like to connect emotionally, if only with myself. That’s been pretty cool. I reckon I’m only another stone away from being happy with how I look, and that’s doable within this year – so definitely some more motivation there.
So really I just have a lot of work to do in very sense!