2 January 2014

Not sure how long I will be able to keep up with daily posts (hopefully forever ha!) but it’s a nice way to keep track of the little details of life as well as my own development. I am going to try and open up more here so please feel free to comment if anything strikes you.

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Day two was another successful baseline day – social event, exercise and more than two hours of music completed. Nice to be racking up days towards my 183-day target although I realise it’ll be much harder once I’m back at work! I did some music in the morning and went for a decent swim, then spent some real quality time with a best friend discussing life and plans and goals, and then with her husband and extremely cute son discussing socks and shoes and bricks. It was social time but it was more than that too, very nurturing to be allowed in to such an innocent and loving environment and their son is so good-natured and happy and cute, if I ever have a child I can only hope for similar in terms of temperament, he is just such a blessing to be around.

After that lovely afternoon, something extremely random happened on the way home. A few weeks ago I was visiting a close friend of mine and her husband was around the house, I’ve known them both since school but was talking to her afterwards about how I don’t get much chance to talk to him and how it would be nice to get to know him better. By complete chance he got on the carriage I was sitting in on the tube (a line I only take once or twice a year and he was only there at that time because he’d finished work early) and we ended up taking the same route all the way home (for me) because of disruption on the network – which gave us the best part of an hour of quality time to chat, and I saw a totally different side to him, we had loads to talk about and it was just really cool! Much like the long phone call I received on Wednesday, it feels like this decision to be more open to people pretty much every single day is paying dividends beyond the plans I make, I’m being offered additional unexpected chances to make connections. The year already feels different and it’s only two days old!

One other thing about today was that I felt beautiful. That sounds vain and probably what I mean by that is that I feel acceptably attractive enough to be able to interact with the outside world successfully, after years of letting obesity and my belief in my own ugliness isolate me from the world at large. This is definitely a theme for me and I’m not going to be shy about that, when I talk about beauty I don’t mean make-up and facelifts and what have you, I mean representing your inner self adequately on the surface at which you interact with other people. I did a lot of work on rehabilitating my self-image last year, starting out with the aim of feeling pretty at least one day a week and ending up feeling beautiful, if not all the time then at least most of the time being able to see the good in myself – and I’m more confident, connected and expressive as a result. That’s not even about losing weight, it’s been an internal process of actively seeking out and then latching on to positive feedback within myself about myself, regardless of my weight. So while I do generally feel good about myself most of the time (and I imagine this will fade into something that’s just a normal part of how I operate in the real world outside my head!) yesterday I did just feel especially beautiful and I enjoyed that.

Whew that’s enough of what was supposed to be a brief recap!! Suffice to say I came home and finished my music hours and all was well!

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2 thoughts on “2 January 2014

  1. Totally relate about the beauty thing. For years, whenever I was with other people, I was always secretly scanning faces to determine if anyone around me was uglier than I was (and pretty much determining that no, I was by far the ugliest person there). Even when I got myself primped, secretly I was believing that other people must be seeing what a joke it was that someone as unattractive as me was even bothering with make up, etc. It really coloured every aspect of my interactions with others, and undermined my self-confidence.

    I won’t say I’m over it totally, because I still have “ugly moments”, but I did eventually come to accept how distorted my self-view was — as though I was seeing myself as a caricature: gigantically tall, immense shoulders and feet, no boobs, huge nose, bad skin, limp hair, glasses, big ears, etc. But I believed that self-image, whole-heartedly, and always saw myself lumbering around like an ogre. So I totally get what you’re saying, about discovering your own beauty.

    When you start to label yourself with things like “I’m too tall” or “I’m too heavy” or “I have horrible skin”, that becomes the only thing about your self that you see, and you obsess about it until it becomes disproportionately magnified. I really understand now the value of exercises like Positive Self-Talk and Affirmations. It’s almost like you need to de-program, or re-program, yourself!

    • Thanks for that comment!! That’s exactly what it’s like, breaking down the caricature and seeing that there are lots of ways to see yourself, none of which have to be negative. It’s not about chasing beauty for beauty’s sake or because it has high priority in society or about being more beautiful than anyone else but just realising we are all beautiful and that includes ourselves.

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