4 February 2014

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First-off, I’m not even sure how it happened that there’s a 2 1/2-week gap in my posts, after thinking the gap last time was more than long enough!! Tut tut. There’s no way I can catch up on everything that’s happened, but I gave January my all and was pleased with the records set – 26 workouts, strength every day, less than 6 hours off my music target, and 29 social events, planned or otherwise. I am moving my music dreams along step by step and getting more accepting of the kinds of risks I will have to take, believing I will get there in time. Big improvements in confidence on the whole. I’ve met new people and strengthened a whole load of friendships, and the changes made worked in my favour.

For the past four months I’ve been trying to be as open and emotionally present as possible. In that time I’ve had just a couple of people who I’ve been able to open myself up to almost completely, and that’s been the most amazing part of life, unlocking parts of myself that have been hidden and secret for so long, opening up the way I’ve always dreamed I would one day be able to once I was strong enough and found people I could trust and who made it matter for me to tell. It has been really tough to do, to see myself at my weakest and acknowledge parts of me I don’t like, but it’s freed me from this prison of sub-conscious judgments and fears and brought everything into the light, giving me new things to believe in.

When those people are not around I feel this hideous loneliness deep-down. It’s become patently obviously that I have not been connecting with other people on the level I would like to. I don’t know how to forge that connection with others on a wider basis and can’t imagine getting through all the stuff that’s been dredged up that many time over. I am going to have to find a shortcut or a new basis from which to explain myself so that my other relationships can be equally tight.

I have two new beliefs I’m trying out:
* that deep down under all the negative crap there is a bedrock of positivity at the basis of who I am, even if I have no idea what it looks or feels like
* that the only person who has a problem with me or the way I am, is me.

I’m feeling much more unified and recognise that much of the bad that happens is only in my head. Real life can be a refuge from that and an arena in which I can be successful and creatively fulfilled, if I make the choice to invest in it more.

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