13 February 2014

Ten hours ago I was walking to work writing this post in my head and it all seemed much clearer before the intervening complexities of a packed day at work and the to do list that never ends… Let me try and recollect.

For the better part of five months, I’ve been blessed with two or three very particular friendships, in the course of which I’ve really been able to open up about myself and explore issues with people I knew I could trust and who were genuinely interested. Pretty much every day, or at least as often as I’ve needed to, I’ve had access to someone who has access to me, people I’ve had a really deep mutual and almost spiritual understanding with.

This past week has been my first week without those connections and although I’ve been a bit worried about going back to managing everything on my own, without that outlet or input, I can see just how much I’ve benefited from that special span of time and how I’m in a better and stronger position mentally thanks to work that’s been done during that time:

* I can see the clear division between reality and what goes on in my mind, a lot of which is warped and unreal. I can see how both are real to me and how there are ways to negotiate between the two – and also how to opt in to reality as a solace from the madness when I need to.
* golden thought number one: that no-one is really against me. No-one really expects me to be thinner or prettier or better or smarter or nicer or more talented or anything – most people don’t really care, and anyone who does accepts me as I am. If I want to change it’s for myself alone.
* a lot of what’s come up during the past few months has been really negative, quite pathetic and sad stuff that I kind of knew was there forming a barrier but hadn’t gotten explicit about. I really cleared through a lot of crap and got right to the bottom of things – rock bottom, you might say. I thought that was all there wa down there but then I learned golden thought number two: that if you keep digging past rock bottom, there’s a mine. Beneath all that there is gold and iron ore and there are diamonds – strength and value I never even imagined I possessed.
* I might still feel sad a lot of the time (that seems to be where I’m comfortable) and crying is just a daily release, but I have learned for real that however I’m feeling doesn’t have to stop me living an effective, joyous and successful life out there in the real world. There’s a tonne of stuff I can do, a shining life I can build. I can jack in and work on that and I can always be happy any time if I take time out from feeling sad.

I guess it’s the way of the world that those relationships come and go – they’re so emotional and intensely personal that sooner or later the relationship itself becomes the issue and I guess there’s only so deep you can go with one person. I know for sure I have more work to do and that whenever those opportunities come again I will take them with both hands; for now, I probably need to learn to take care of myself again, as I have done most of my life. I don’t want to get hard and defensive and frozen over again. It makes it even more miraculous to think that really I’ve had people taking care of me for such an extended period.

I don’t know if I will be able to work on things the same way without that kind of communication, or whether I’ll get cemented here for a while – but here with much golden thoughts is a much better place to hang out than where I was!

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