21 April 2014

Went for a run this morning, round the park four times for the first time, over 45min non-stop. That’s about 5k pace for me I guess, nothing monumental about that except that I can’t remember the last time I did it. Gotta cling on to these little victories.

Afterwards I stretched out and sat on a bench for a bit and just let myself feel my feelings. Cried a little bit but felt so much better. Remember now that this is what I’ve been missing. There’s just not been enough space in my life to feel my feelings. Too much other stuff I have to be, duties and obligations and draws on my personality. I remember that week with the spacedog and how he taught me to do this, and how I spent that week making space to just feel what I felt. If there’s something I’m missing, something I don’t feel brave enough to do, this is it. It’s the simplest thing in the world really. A lot of the time my feelings scare me. I’m scared that I can’t cope with them but of course I can. A lot of the time it seems easier to focus on the practical stuff, the everyday things I can cope with, but it’s all just empty after a while.

I’ve been too lost for too long without the people who I trusted to guide me. Maybe I have to start guiding myself, making these choices my own.

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