After posting that yesterday I had a good chat with Tardis and we sorted some stuff out. It didn’t all feel better right away, I think I’ve dropped the ball on too many things in his absence, but I did feel a kind of peace and fell asleep. I’ve felt much better today and have been pondering his little bits of advice. He gives me more than I could ever give him, simply because there’s nothing he needs that much; I have to accept that it’s unequal and maybe the best friendships are. He fills me up where other people – and life itself – take and drain. I always have a lot of affection and it’s hard not to go running for a top-up with every little thing but I know he is there for me when I have something I really need help on, no more confusion on that score.
In a life of pain, no one person can make you better. It’s nobody else’s job and it’s too much for any single person. But I’m learning that if I try, I can take the threads of love that are given so freely, so openheartedly, and weave them into some sort of blanket that keeps me warm all the time, even when the caregivers are away or the thread runs out. The weaving is my responsibility. No-one who hasn’t been there can understand why the thread means so much or why I’m so uncontrollably grateful and affectionate. But I can make it work.
And the rest of it – when it’s too much for one person to take – that’s where the songs come from.
I HAVE TO MAKE SENSE OF LIFE ON MY OWN TERMS.