24 April 2014

Bit tired now and finding it hard to think! But I had an idea this morning that I want to write about quickly, and then we’ll see.

It’s funny how deciding I needed to be more sociable at the end of last year has really set the foundation for being able to perform. It was a necessary prerequisite for several reasons, but I wasn’t even aware at the time.

At first it was just about gaining confidence, learning to see myself the way other people see me, and all the good there is in that, that I’d been unable to see by myself. The very fact of being a singer who can get up and sing was something other people believed about me long before I really believed it myself. The fact that everyone else seemed convinced I had it in me was what convinced me in the end.

Then there’s the sheer level of people-time which I wouldn’t have been able to cope with before – getting over my self-consciousness and getting used to being seen and watched by people and realising that other people accept me just the way I am without reproach. Being able to talk to people I don’t know.

Then, there’s the simple logistics – getting used to being out in strange parts of London, getting used to late trains home, finding routes and learning that unknown areas are not necessarily scary once you get there. Gigging often means late nights, last trains, wandering around streets you don’t know, walking through doors of pubs where you don’t know anyone. I’m still full of trepidation when it comes to logistics (I think that side of it stresses me out way more than the actual performing!)

All of this was crucial in breaking down my various fears and getting my discomfort to a manageable level. Now it just feels like an adventure, and I hope it stays like that for a while; let it be magical, let me be daring.

—-

It’s a couple of months now since I saw Tardis – I never thought that would happen. I’m not happy about it but not sure I can really do anything about it without being pushy and annoying. I don’t wanna be where I’m not wanted. And my perspective is still skewed about how much I was wanted in the first place. Maybe it’s better to leave it and not stress – meeting up comes with its own set of difficulties and life is honestly easier without it. It was worth it though. Maybe it’ll happen once I’m able to let it go.

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