19 May 2014

First-up, a few pictures from an amazing day yesterday. The weather in London is brilliant, I had friends visiting (one of whom for the first time!) and we did my favourite walk at my favourite time of day at my favourite time of year! Blessed. 
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I’ve been spending significant time with friends recently (and this year in general, as was the plan!) – these particular friends were ones I met a decade or longer ago and haven’t seen for 5-6 years, and I’ve been having a lot of special times with friend new and old. Weekends like this seem to shift my perspective, give me room to breathe and to think and realign myself. I knew my priorities were shifting but sometimes I suppose it takes a bit of distance or something out of the ordinary to get a better view of that. I’ve also been having some proper chats with HH and it’s clear that mentally and emotionally I still have a lot of issues I could be dealing with better. Now that we’ve all had time to settle in with the idea that I will be trying to build a music career, that kind of shifts things because before, as long as I got through my daily routine and held it together at work, if I lost an evening here or there or even an entire weekend to staring at the wall or feeling lost, it didn’t really matter. But now that my non-work time is where I’m seriously trying to build a new life, there’s less of an escape valve and it becomes more obvious where I’m coping and where I’m not. I would like to be coping all the time and I believe that I can be, given time – but I’m also not going to beat myself up about it and will try to put time aside to adjust emotionally and lower my expectations if need be, for now. Maybe in a few months’ time I’ll look back and think wow, I never could have done what I’m doing now and I’ve come so far!

Really, the only thing I would change about my life right now, the only thing I’m doing that I can’t respect myself for, is how I eat. But saying “the only” in that context is of course a huge misnomer. The only thing I would change about my life is my past, my upbringing, how I was raised, how my brain functions, the greater part of my understanding and beliefs about how the world works, my emotional reactions – there is so much at the core of who I am that I would change if I could. In the long term, I have to deal with those things one by one, unpick the things I can and make my peace with the things I’ve come too far to change.

In the short-term, I want to be looking at where I can adjust my feeding behaviours and shift to other ways of coping.

I also want to make an active effort to focus on and appreciate the more-than-half of me that doesn’t need changing and the parts of my life that are truly perfect and blessed.

Everything else – work, music, friendships, home, future plans, where I’m at materially, spiritually and emotionally – I’m working at all of that and am happy with how things are and where things are heading. I feel empowered to go on and keep working. I have lists galore! And more ideas and opportunities than I have time or energy to contend with. Really, everything makes me happy apart from the stuff above that needs fixing.

So I guess things will be like this for the next little while. I’m mindful that we’re already in May, it’s my birthday next week, I have achieved so much this year but just not in this one area – but life on the whole is moving forward. We still have the best of the summer ahead. Everything’s to play for, and today I feel like working at it.

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