27 July 2014

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Another pretty blissful Sunday – more on that below. I created (not my lyrics but still great – this is drawer’s ink on stuff called “vellum” which is like acetate with printed pictures and lets the light through), I played half an hour of piano and did workout FIFTEEN!!! 30min aerobic on the bike (great considering yesterday) 40min altogether and a whole bunch of squats. Fabulous.

One thought I’ve been having lately is that I may have learned very well to act human while really quite often suppressing my actual humanity, vulnerability, authenticity – I can mimic and rehearse meaningful encounters but am rarely THERE in the moment. Obviously I’m trying to break out of that slowly, which is scary.

I’ve been really fortunate this year to find some true kindred spirits at work (where I’m successfully continuing to build different levels of friendships all over) and today we had another picnic, just me and two people I am probably closest to out of all of them. It was a real chance to just be myself – whenever I get back from these things I am so relieved that I just want to write thank you cards saying “thank you so much for just being OK with me being me!”

There was one moment when it was just two of us and we’d been talking about different people we knew and some deep stuff about family and protecting them and who you live for, basically. And we both said we enjoyed each others’ company. And I wasn’t in a rush to say anything particular but I was suddenly aware that I could probably say pretty much anything I wanted to – anything aboot me, about us, the situation, any secrets I wanted, and probably it would have been totally OK (and equally so with the member of the party who was absent at the time).

I suppose that’s what I would call intimacy, and I think we were all kind of aware of the joy of it and on the walk home we all got crazy giggles, teasing and joking and just laughing at nothing, a total friendship high. I want my life to be like that as much of the time as possible, but I’m slowly making steps in the right direction.

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