5 August 2014





Admittedly, I am feeling completely awesome today. Better than I have so far. Maybe things are starting to make sense. I’ve got SO much energy! I’m so focused! I am feeling strong and excited and calm and poised all at the same time.

This morning I got through my routines quickly enough that I had half an hour to sit and write before leaving for the pool – just as the sun was coming up. I have a great set-up in my studio now, we have high but reasonably deep windowsills because our flat is in the eaves, and I have a bar stool at just the right height to sit at the wide open window and write with a cup of tea. It’s like I’m out there in the morning sky with the birds, and even though we live right in the centre of a big town, it’s quiet and peaceful at that time and he air is so clear and smells so great – a distinctive smell that reminds me to get up and run at the weekend.

As you can see from the passage in the picture the big theme at the moment is:

but TO WHAT??

And since I started asking myself this question, ideas have been mounting up in my head about things I would like to do, accomplish or achieve – when I am starting to wonder what I can do now that my attention is not taken up with food or worrying too much about social encounters, there is a big list of things that spring to mind – all the things I was trying to do before but got distracted from. Whether I’m successful or not, I definitely have more than enough to be getting on with to fill the time. And now that I know how much energy and technical mastery lies within my rage, I’ll be looking to exploit that resource to get me where I want to be.

I was also reminded today, in amongst my new-found ruthlessness, the virtue of being kind, being willing to see a situation from all perspectives before stressing out, being able to forgive someone you love before they even ask for it. It’s important to still be able to do that as well.

I know whatever comes next has to come completely from me, my agenda, my material, my way of living life. Not completely someone else’s dream or framework or deadlines. I am already doing that in a few ways, and this blog is one of them – my agenda, my story. This is real. I want it to be like this from when I wake up at dawn to when I finally collapse at night. All the time.


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