6 August 2014

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Had a weird spiritual excursion during the day today – just while sitting at my desk at work. I’ve been in a moving haze most of the afternoon. It’s hard to explain.

To backtrack, I’ve been doing everything I can to use up my physical energy and maximise the feeling of power. The energy never ends, of course – I feel like I could fly. I try to wear myself out, and the more I move, the more I want to move. It’s like learning to be inside my body for the first time. Last night I made it a project to stay up late and clean the whole flat for over 2 hours, but that was easy. This morning I realised I had enough time to swim for an hour if I wanted to (instead of the usual half-hour) – I did that and could probably quite happily go for a run tonight. I am sleeping relatively short but deep hours. I feel amazing. The way I look at myself has changed profoundly.

And I think that brings me to where I have been wandering today in my mind. These changes in the way I see myself. I get the feeling that the reason I can’t grasp a full idea of who I am is because I can’t imagine the full extent of who I might be. It could be much wilder and more unique than I have a frame of reference for at the moment. That’s OK. I am where I am with it. I am learning. I am going to sit with it openly until I get some clarity. I am going to accept guidance wherever I can find it. And I am going to dig for the courage to allow it to change my lifestyle however it needs to.

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