20 August 2014

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I’ve been working on this little model today. It’s a brainstorm of where my feelings get processed. (I forgot exercise, I use that for anger and energy, expulsion or generation of – for regulation.)

One of my problems is that I judge my feelings too much. Once you feel something, it’s futile to try and un-feel it and it’s unhealthy to suppress it – you have to take it and process it, use it to propel yourself forwards, or find a way to be OK about it.

Another thing about me (I know I’m not the only person like this but I’m pretty far towards the extreme end of the scale) is that I prioritise my feelings over most other things and let my emotions hold sway over my life. I am IN my feelings pretty much all of the time and I probably don’t have as much control as others on how much I show and when they deploy. I understand that it’s possible to completely master one’s feelings and learn to weild them with exquisite authorship and at times that can be useful but I think, for now, I want to keep a little bit of the mystery that comes with having slightly uncontrollable feelings; I still want my feelings to be able to scare the shit out of me sometimes, but I want to learn how to sit with the fear better.

Which means I have to make some arrangements, and be aware of how much space I have for my emotions and how much they can take over. I need to be deliberate about creating a non-judgmental space for them. Sometimes things go on within the space between my head and heart that I could never imagine being able to tell other people and that judgement I make about the unacceptableness of my internal experiences to others prejudices me against my own feelings and makes me want to change, evade or suppress them. Time to get creative!

I’m still not all that good at just being me, in the fullest sense of how utterly fantastic that would be. But I am working on it…

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