22 August 2014

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Really dramatic sunrise this morning!

The more I look at those scrapbooking photos from yesterday the more I realise how much that process is just so ME! Having all my favourite materials around, a combination of pictures and writing, things I’ve made myself combined with pretty things I’ve found, there are actual pictures of ME in there too, and using all that to celebrate precious moments of real life and keep them safely for the future – it’s me on so many levels.

I’m also grateful for modern smartphones and how mine helps me live out my crazy creative process (this blog post, for example!) I can catch song lyrics on the move (while getting dressed at the pool this morning, for instance!) and record snippets of melodies to come back to later – it’s VERY rare to catch the same inspiration twice so being able to store ideas on the go facilitates songwriting on a whole new level. I’m grateful for having access to information, being able to look things up that I don’t know, answer questions, form opinions, make decisions, and find song lyrics 😉 and also to connect with other people while all those creative and learning processes are happening.

Something happened to me two days ago; I was at work and my thoughts turned to the professional learning I’ve been putting off all year, the textbook that felt like a millstone around my neck every time I opened it. I was doing some other work training online and it was quite easy. I went back to the dreaded textbook and found – almost miraculously – that I could read and understand it quickly and easily, and reviewed and made notes on the two chapters I read months ago (13% of the book) in under an hour. It was brilliant. I think it’s down to two things: a mental health shift whereby my depression has lifted and I can actually finally concentrate! And a cognitive shift in my beliefs about my own powers vs. the difficulty of physical-world tasks. I can conquer this easily and it’s not even onerous. And I can conquer the next one. And if I can do that, I can qualify next year. At no cost to myself, just by making a different choice about how to use that one hour at work. This is so far from where I saw myself just a couple of weeks ago!

So I am taking that change, that event, and trying to run with it. I will push the boundaries of what I can learn, how quickly, and how well. I am pushing the boundaries of what I can do. I am pushing the boundaries of the choices and limitations I have over my behaviour. And all of a sudden LIFE, this life, right here, the life I’ve been so reluctant to live, feels FULL of potential and magic. I haven’t lied to myself at times when I’ve felt incapable, when too much was too much and certain tasks felt completely beyond me. I’m sure as hell not going to start lying to myself now that I feel empowered.

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