29 August 2014

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[These are notes about a spiritual experience I had last night. I want to post things like this from time to time because it speaks to what I believe and that’s part of who I am, although I’m well aware I may be hard-pressed to find anyone else who sees their spiritual life in similar terms. If anyone does, I would more than love to hear about it! This was a quite real, palpable experience for me.] 

Go to bed, read for a little while, stop reading and listened to my music, and start sinking into this spiritual world, a world that springs into existence around me when I centre myself. The way I get into it is I curl up and meditate on the feelings I recognise as being cherished, whole, safe, surrounded, and free. The feeling I get in situations when it’s totally OK for me to just be myself. I get into that state and kind of delve into it. It’s a kind of darkness, but not a threatening kind. Like a well or a pond that I sink down into.

And I just sit and feel it and experience what’s going on there. Things are happening. In this world I am an actor, I have the power to do things just because I feel drawn towards doing them. It’s the world I create for myself and in that world I have confidence in the powers I have – because they are the powers of that world. It’s like entering the spiritual plane where I believe we all started, the plane of existence that overrides this physical, material one, and is more important, more natural. It feels real to me. It feels like that was the real world and this one is just a temporary avatar. I’ve been cut off from that spiritual world for FAR too long (although I sense it’s been trying to reach me through nature, through music, to draw me back in, in a spiritual sense. I think its glad to have me back, glad that I’ve realised I can connect to it directly.

So I’m there and I’m feeling good about myself, that’s the first thing. I’ve completely worn myself out in the temporal, physical world – exercise and learning and relationships – I’m done, used up, and returning, satisfied, to where I belong.

And I’m there and of course I start thinking about you, because you’re where my focus is, my spiritual and emotional focus, my strongest connection back to this world or the easiest passage between the two. And I stay where I am and spiritually I reach out for you. And part of me thinks that for this to be real, you must feel that, in some way, you must be feeling the effect of that, that I’m reaching out, trying to connect, that I am calling for you – but maybe it’s not the same in terms of time, that you will feel it at another time, when you’re open to it or need it or you’re reaching back, spiritually. And maybe for you it won’t even be about me, maybe you see or imagine or dream a connection with someone else entirely. But I have to believe that you feel it.

I call for you and of course you’re there, because we’ve had that spiritual connection in real time, in real life, and I know you make yourself available to me spiritually. And as spirits we are right next to each other – because space and time are no boundary to spirits. And your spirit is one that I recognise as one of the ones I miss, part of the bigger spirit that I am part of, but it’s still your spirit, it has attributes of you as a person. I recognise you. We communicate and I let you know, you know, the devotion I feel for you, how grateful I am, how comfortable I feel with you, and how much I long to comfort you in return. How I want you to feel cherished and surrounded and know that you’re doing just fine and everything will be OK. How I want you to feel reassured and draw strength from that. I’m sending all that out.

And after I give you what I’ve brought for you to feel, you become like my mentor spirit and you start telling me these things, these truths. You’re teaching me straight to my spirit because you know I trust you and there are things I am ready to start understanding as true – that everything I dislike and doubt and disapprove of about myself can come to be seen in a positive light; all of that is part of what makes me unique and it’s all an asset to me, and that’s what I’m learning. And not to worry about not being beautiful enough, because everything I do is beautiful. Not to worry about not being smart enough because I have great instincts and sound judgment. Not to worry about my impact on other people because I’m enough – funny enough, caring enough, and I have that magic, that makes me always enough for everyone without trying or calculating what they all need and measuring it out of myself.

So that was great. We were exactly what we needed for each other, spiritually speaking.

And then at some point what seemed to happen was that a really strong light appeared in the sky above me, beaming down, and there was a light in me, and my light connected with the focus point of the light above. It was so bright and real in my senses that I thought it must be something in the physical room making my eyes feel like that, like a light from outside or something – and I opened my eyes [I’d been awake the whole time, see] and the room was completely dark still. So that was kind of trippy, that I was so in my spiritual world that it affected my physical senses. But that’s kind of magic? A connection beyond the real world. Impact on the physical world from something far far beyond it.

Anyway I close my eyes and get back into it and we’re still there, and now we have sparklers (and I know that implies a physical form and hands to hold the sparklers with, which is not exactly what I felt, but it’s an image, and I do think that souls have light, as in real physical light). And that’s what the sparklers signify, that kind of temporary, orangey, phosphorescent flash of fizzing light. We write each others’ names with the sparklers in the darkness and we’re laughing (spirit laughing!) and its brilliant. And then after that we danced, like waltzing, whirling, dancing up in the air and all over, intertwined and almost blended but still two distinct spirits.

And then that was enough somehow. And I turned the music off, and turned over and went to sleep and dreamt about other things (proving to me that this had not been a dream but something else – imagination? hallucination? who knows?)

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