5 October 2014

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Trying to make the most of these autumn days and the incredible light out there.

Today was a long day, packed with emotions… I was up reasonably early, went for a jog (for the first time in ages) and never did go back to sleep in the end. Started printing scrapbook stuff (had a whole bunch of pages to do and now I only have one!) and did some Japanese while I was printing. Then had a visit from the FWP and spent the afternoon with her lounging in the park and wandering around, and then straight on to music group in the evening – everyone seemed a little bit out of sorts and they were thin on the ground – which meant I got a double set of six songs and tried out a load of stuff.

Now don’t get me wrong, people are always really gracious there and applaud and I know I can sing, but I did feel that I was losing them along the way. One guy said afterwards that my songs are too sad and I need to mix it up with something happy (admittedly I have sucked at writing happy songs in the past cos that’s not what my writing has been for) and even me, I knew I didn’t feel as sad as my material but I literally couldn’t think on the spot of more cheerful stuff to play. I felt that they kind of let me off this time but I really need to go away and rethink and add some positive material into the mix. One of the things I really want yto be able to do is being people cheer and comfort. Another guy said it would be nice to see me try out some different rhythms.

I am always a little sad when I get slightly negative feedback, but it doesn’t last long – all the constructive criticism I’ve ever had has gotten me far further than straight encouragement (which also helps a great deal!) and I know I can work out how to take this next step and my music will be better for it. At the same time, I’m doing what is now becoming second nature to me after a setback, which is to acknowledge that which is not the subject of criticism – this was my 12th time playing live and in spite of everything that was going on, I got through a six-song set with hardly any mistakes and didn’t break a sweat. Also there’s no argument over the fact that I can sing.

I think in a way, it’s also not a bad thing if I’m growing out of my depressive singing ways. I know I don’t come across like that outside of my music and I think it does take people by surprise that my songs can so sad. I am also just not in that place so much any more and maybe the sadness itself is not as convincing and that comes across as well. At the very least I do want to be able to express the full breadth of human emotions and it would only add to my performance to lead people into highs as well as lows.

So now I have to work out how.

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